-Did you have to say that?
-Yes, I did. -Why?
-To sink to your level. Level of shit. Pure shit. Jesus… Your level is shit. I meant, you played Jesus? -Indeed.
-I loved it. DAILY INTERNET Good evening, my name’s Walter Kuc. And mine’s not. And that was Daily Internet news, thank you very much. -Oh, we’re supposed to actually do that?
-Read something? -Okay, okay.
-Alright. What page was it? Good evening. My name’s Walter Kuc. And I’m Gregory Zelcer. And welcome to Daily Internet news. In today’s episode we’re going to talk about… As you can guess from the name, Internet Daily will be a weekly or biweekly program, depending on when our landlord… Walt, think, you can’t make up a joke if you’re already telling it. Daily Internet is going to be released every one or two weeks. As you can guess from the name – “Daily Internet”. -Let’s open it up with the first part.
-That is… Shut up. HAT NEWS We live in times of omnipresent information. -Internet, billboards, trolleys.
-Tube. Unless… there’s no tube in your town. Anyway, there are shittons on information and it seems that everything is important. True. And what do we do when everything’s important? We draw the most important one and focus on one topic. Exactly, so it’s time for the Hat News! Time for a rip off of Whose Line Is It Anyway? “Whose line is it anyway” in Polish. Huge salaries of our doctors. 50 thousand. Hospital is in debt. Let’s talk about that. Listen. It looks like the doctors get huge salaries and hospital is in debt. I can only ask – which one. You want an answer? Yes, please. You’re the answer guy, not the text holding guy. And now that your hands are free, tell us which hospital. How should I know? Okay. Today’s Hat News is… Crimea Tatars warn the world:
Putin is the Hitler of XXI century Can we have one news that is… Those are headlines from all over the Internet, dude. “Price of Swiss franc” Frank is a whore. “She’s baen evictetted”? Go back to school, learn how to read. People, he cannot write. Let’s talk about something. “BlaBlaCar fee” And that’s what’s important. As we all know BlaBlaCar was founded in France or some other Netherland… And basically, it was free at the beginning, here in Poland. Drivers were paid massive amounts. It was paid abroad. What the hell? Please continue. Did you just wipe your ass with the news? Nope. Please. Continue. They introduced BlaBlaCar fee. -Where?
-At BlaBlaCar. -Really?
-Yes. Where’s the money going? To the owner of CarCar… Ownerov Carcarbla, he’s Russian. Now if you want to hire a car, you have to spend points. We could’ve predicted that. The fee was active in France, Netherlands and wherever… What do you think about it? I’m upset, that was my favorite mean of transport. You can still use it, but your money will be taken by the owner so that you can hire a car that will transport you from one place to another with a guy. Damn… Tell me, are you really left-handed? Sure. Or are we just symmetrical? I am absolutely left-handed. Then write something for me. What do you like- a letter, essay, interview? One word will do. Just so I can read it. -Okay?
-Okay. It’s the best time for weather forecast. It’s more of a medium time. But still, weather forecast. If you could not interrupt me for once. That’d be great. You and me don’t have to be great,
it’s all about viewers and us. Walter, you’re- you’re the man. That’s why I’m here. So funny you don’t even have to say anything. Pick that up. Can’t. I’m wired to the transmitter What about continuity between shots. [Sarcastically]
Oh crap. And that’s the best time for weather forecast. Weather forecast. WEATHER Good afternoon. Name’s Barbara Las Palmas-Novak
and here’s the weather forecast. Today is a very sunny day, isn’t it? The temperature will fall in the North-west parts of Poland. Although in Warsaw it is going… Again? Good afternoon. Name’s Barbara Las Palmas-Novak
and here’s the weather forecast. North-east of Poland is going through some changes. Five degrees in Warsaw. What the fuck? Fuck this job. Where’s my cardigan? Are you retarded or what?
I talked about this a million times already. You just love to be such a dick, don’t you? We talked about this and still no effects. Let a woman do her job. Is pink alright? Does it cover my huge cleavage? -Wonderful.
-Indeed. How reliable are our forecasts? One hundred percent. -What is that again?
-Daily Internet news. And now for the next part, named… Newest Technologies! NEWEST TECHNOLOGIES What’s the newest trend in technology, Walt? W– G-Greg was supposed to answer that. Greg? Wwww, “what was his name?” Ouch. -The newest technology…
-…trend is… Japanese combat drones. And they look like the Power Rangers. I mean… Zords. It isn’t fake news. They seriously produce robots that shoot… Turboblastators. Yes, they are mounted on their shoulders, thighs and sandals. And they can… -Shoot.
-They can shoot. Turboblastators. -And swords.
They have swords. I heard they use swords and also goggles on their faces. -They night…
-…vise. They can’t see anything during the day, though. -So they are completely useless. It’s too bright…
-And it’s easy to fight them. The Japanese are working on it… on the problem. But no one thought about removing the goggles yet. GoPro cameras. Yes or no? I’m pro. Go pro. Why won’t you cooperate? It’s all boring, not my kind of thing. Who cares about GoPro? What does interest you? What if fucking Spielberg would run around with a GoPro? If you could stop swearing when we’re live, that would certainly be interesting. Walter. Kuc. I’d like to say something to the young people that have problems and are confused. Just be yourselves. Please, your words are so beautiful. -But…
-“But”. I feel completel– And now something for our youngest viewers. For the youngest. Granny Louise’s Fairytales GRANNY LOUISE’S FAIRYTALES Hello there! I’m just back from a funeral. Amazing party, cake. Everyone’s going to die someday. That’s why you need ironed clothes. Cool, thin and used everyday. We put it here, just like that. The board needs to be close. Fuck. Why doesn’t this work… Excuse me. Err, I’ll sing something. And we’re back to the ironing. You can hide your mistakes if the shirt is blue. Magic! Take the iron, plug it in. Fantastic. Your arm movement needs to be smooth, light and confident. The results will be amazing, I tell ya. No results! Now, can someone help me with this fucking thing? I just can’t… …can’t fold it. Oh my leg. And now for the result! Everybody wins! And now we can play, you know… Excuse me! Ouch! Something stabbed by leg. I’m glad we could– That was the balloo– Thank you and see you next time! Granny Louise’s Fairytales… Fuck me sideways. Shit… Than you, Granny for… -Wisdom.
-Wise words. And now the Secsical Mution. Sex… what again? Time for Secsical Mution. -Secsical?
-Mution. Of course, that’s it. Ladies and gentlemen, time for Sectical Musion. MUSICAL SECTION And that would be the end of this episode of Daily Internet news. We hope you’ll watch the next one. Released in week in a week or two. As for now we’d like you to watch the newest episode of Great Conflicts. But we can’t say much more! Valentine’s Day premiere. So you know what to expect, no? Please subscribe, like and share. Visit our Facebook, follow our Facebook page. Roll the credits! Bye bye! Absolute garbage.